if you want it, of course. i don't really care.

onagraestrella.blogdrive.com

i am your evening star

i'll cover my ears and close my eyes to what's happening around me. i can block it out but i still know it's going on. i am not suited for that. i don't want that to happen. if the voices won't stop then i'll make them, if the shots won't stop then i'll stop them. make it go away, dear someone, make them stop!

i am a happy person. it's in my nature. and i wish i could say i loved someone. maybe i'm not suited for love. my small body and delicate hands have trouble deciding. i like the winter, i wait for the snow so you are my brother, i love you as one. you are my brother, and i love you as dearly.

physical contact. i'll sidle up to you and snake my arm around your waist and hold you. or you'll lie between my legs or we'll wrap our fingers together. i need that, i crave that. there are somedays, au contrair, i wish to have nothing touching me and to run around naked with the elements as my skin. sex is something that i do not wish to know right now. i surround myself with brothers and sisters and i cradle you and you cradle me. su amo el mismo, con el mismo pasión. pero es difirenté tambien. amar, enamorarse, besarse. things i lack, and will continue to for you are not here yet.

perhaps is such a thin shield of a word.

i might never use it again. but falling out of love, though harder to do is easier to pretend if your good at acting. luckily there's no acting involved for me. it's like a similar situation, just a kiss, just a kiss... that's all it would ever mean to me. because i know you. i know your eyes are tracing this page and i know that knotting feeling in your stomach will return because i've had it too. this isn't coming out the way i wanted it to.

someone called me elfin. this person is very special to me and he means a lot to me so DAVID YOUR THE GREATEST. mmmyes a little spurt of david appreciation

i'll see you all tomorrow. i'm really pms-y. why is everyone afraid, why is everyone argueing? just a kiss, take it away make it go away just take me away. i'll curl up in my fetal position and block you all out it will work i swear it will...

him. for crying out loud, it's the first day of school, the last minute of it and there he stands. gorgeous, beautiful. a boy. someone who makes my heart do a

wizz bang flipflop.... heaven. for a minute...

but my world is filled with ubiquitous elipses and standard eclipses. what's sad is my lack of hope. and yet, something tells me not to loose it.

he was wearing all white surrounded by people wearing all black. a diamond in the rough. his hair was gorgeous, and i didn't catch his name i was so entranced by his beauty. if only i could have this man, this man. his eyes flickered and for a moment i thought he was doing that guy thing but instead he complemented me. well, my necklace, but.

then for a moment i thought that maybe he was gay. no man this beautiful could not be gay. how wrong i was (i hope...)

i just wanted him to .... he looked like a guy who would... oh god save me for i feel lightheaded with all this talk. hold me, hold me, caress me , move with me, kiss me, you hold it, the key to my spot. no one else. dear lord i now belive in love at first sight.

now, i am going to quote a very good friend. fuck age, it's only numbers! and goddamn it he's tall. that's all that matters.

stupid frosh looking like juniors.

oh well. i'm still in love.

i have returned with little more in my heart than whence i left and a greater knowledge of nothing, except knowing i am on a ledge. soon to be past the cusp from birth and the purity i have somewhat left behined. knowing i am loved, and love someone in my dreams is for now my only comfort.

oh to be in England

i held coins in my palms today. i held them so that the end of them, the side dug into the center of my palm. i squeezed them hard so i could feel it so i knew i could feel everything. with lack of a quarter i dug my finger nails into my other palm and promptly bit them off afterwards.

i held someones hand today. no more than 4 but desperate all the same. when i was telling them about how my mom doesn't pack my lunch they replied increduously "YOU have a MOM?" i didn't cry today over a boy missing his brother. who he's not allowed to see because his parents split.

i got home and stuck my hand in the flour jar. grabbed a fistful and walked outside. my hands have sensory issues because they miss touch. i held that flour so tight and when i opened my fist there was an oval of flour in my hand with little creases where my fingers had been. i threw the flour over the yard and looked at my hand. it was white and pasty. it reminded me of a new born child, white and pasty. i laughed. my laugh broke into a thousand pieces and fell down my cheeks. liquid silver on the brick. and i don't have to love someone becuase you tell me to. my puppet arms have disentangled themselves and were yours to work before but now they're mine. and i'm trying to get the feeling back in my hands but quarters and flour won't suffice.

everybody says think before you speak, but that is almost imossible to do, so after you say something you didn't want to say, take it back and mean it. hopefully the person you said it too is someone who trusts you. if it isn't, then the wound will heal in it's own way in time.

THE REAL ENTRY (or what kate was going to write before she decuded to write down stupid lessons)

don't think i don't know my options. the fog has lifted, and they are there, i just don't know how to talk, sorry. each time, just keep digging, just keep diggin they say l'ami is one to be trusted. they whisper words i've never heard and if they rush by it's like a different language. i don't know you. race after the child, race afer the child, corre despues de la nina. dream about it, stare at the mirror and stick out your belly as far is it make go and run your hands over it like you are pregnant. sure signs of what you wish to be, to have, to have had that you have had. fall asleep wondering about someone and wake up to someone else. it's life they say ces't la vie. joi de vivre, se habla, joi de vivre.

Dear so-and-so,

I heard about the bombings in your subway stations and i wanted to say i send you hope. i wanted to say i cry your tears and you cry mine, i wanted to say that i love you.i wanted to say that i wish i was there to console you. know that there will never be a time when i don't remember you. i'm sure this may reach you mentally, but you won't hold a letter in your hands. thank you for sending me one, though, when my buildings were bombed. i'm sure i wonder just as you do that never never never ending question POR QUOI??? as technology advances everything will only get worse, as we are desensitized they will only come faster, harder. the worst things in the world have gone from shooting someone who might've deserved it (though no one does) to bombing subway stations full of innocent people. all i can think that sets me at peace is something someone told me when the tsunami hit. in the last 5 years, people have lost their lives to make the world a better place, that is what she told me. waiting till 2012 when i will finally see you again. Love always, Kate

Dear God,

look. hear. smell. taste. touch. SEE. Love always, Kate

-you know I do

see you all with a tan and a love life in september, baby! or a tan and disapointment....